Do You Belong To Me?

Yet another unsatisfactory talk. Yet another day my heart got broken. I don't know why i couldn't tell you that i was longing for the only happiness that is you all day long. That i was eagerly awaiting the moment when i would snuggle into my bed, turn off the lights and then talk to you. I wish i could have told you that i love you. That i would do anything for you. That your slightest wish was my command. But i didn't tell you any of these things. All I did was fight with you over the phone and when you made me slam the phone down, i had felt as if the entire weight of the world had combined to crash down upon my frame. I was hurting more than i could have ever had hurt you.

Sometimes i wonder whether i should just give you up. That i should give up whatever that is that we share and JUST...move on. Oh! You can satify me. You can keep me happy. My thoughts are always of you. Yet i know that you don't really belong to me and that there's a girl out there who can keep you more happier than i can do you. I know that you would be happier not having me at your side. I don't even know what keeps you there with me. I don't know...I wish i knew...I wish...Do you...Do you really belong to me?

The Sound Of Silence

The Sitar was plucking at my heart. Every second of that haunting music drawing more and more of me out into its ethereal world and making me cry out in pain. I don't know why i was there only or why i was staying. I just know that i had wanted to be alone. I wanted to get away from it all. Life was getting to me again.....like it always did...............

I felt a wetness on my face and realized that tears had sprung out of my eyes. By the looks of it, for sometime now and i hadn't realized it at all. "That's what i call getting lost in yourself,", i thought, half laughingly, trying to cheer myself up. But today the forced laughter technique wasn't working. The tears just came out even more.

The Sitar went on and on. It was getting faster now, the beat thumping onto my raging soul, giving it a voice that i lacked for. Faster and faster the music rang out........screaming out for life.....screaming out for the right to live....screaming out for justice, truth, love......it raged....it soared........and it took me along....and then CRASH!!!! Nothing....the sound of silence everywhere and my tears falling.

Miss You

The same dream that's been haunting me with your memories reappeared last night. In my dream i had been lost, struggling against the dark. I had felt myself being suffocated, every breath i took was painful....i was about to let go, when you appeared out of no where. You kissed me on my lips, and the darkness just lifted. I felt myself fly. I grabbed you and held on to you so ever tightly. I was happy to have you there with me again...we flew and we flew....and then you started slipping from my grip. I held on even more tightly, and you slipped even faster, until all of a sudden i was alone again, and screaming. I woke myself up screaming out your name.

I wish i could say last night was just a rarity, but it's not. It's still you who continues to provide nourishment to my existence. Oh! I don't know what it is that keeps me binded to you. I question myself a thousand times as to why it's your thoughts that are so pervasive in my life and still strong enough to break me down, or take me up. I ask myself when sometimes when i wake up, why it's you who's on my mind or when i go to bed, why it's thoughts of you that keep me up.

What is that power that you still have over me? What is that power that makes me miss you, want you, want to hold you, even after all this time.

I wish i knew. I wish i didnt' miss you. But i do. I miss you, I miss you so much.

Writings Of An Outsider Looking In: The Soul's Wanderings

Writings Of An Outsider Looking In: The Soul's Wanderings

My other blog.

Moth

Look deep into my eyes. Gaze into the wells of lust that want to partake of the most forbiddon pleasures with you. They hunger for your touches, they hunger for your touch. Every move they see you make is a pain for more. Your words what gives rise to their most prolific fantasies. Your clothing what they want to remove from this world. They gape upon your temple and I worship the temple.

Know that my body desires you. The thirst that it feels cannot be satiated with water when what it wants is to feel you...feel every inch of you.... to add fuel to the passion that burns in your presence, to release the heat that builds up in your fray, to hold you.....make you feel what i feel...make you move the way i move...to drink of your nector......to make you reach the highest limits.....

I'm the moth.....I crave your fire....and i'm consumed by my own lust.

In Search Of Happiness

I was trying to find happiness today. I searched for it all over the place, but couldn't find it. I tried finding it within my house. “Here Happiness, Here Happiness!!!”, i called out. But Happiness didn't respond. My familly was sitting there, all of them chatting merrily away, whilst i was searching. I just ignored them. I was too busy trying to find happiness.

”I know it's out here somewheres”, i thought. So i went out of my house and tried looking for it there. I searched in the gardens, i searched on the pathways, the lone woods (because i had heard some people say they find happiness in there), i searched the hotels and the restaurants. But didn’t find any happiness there. A little boy did come up to me though. He said that he was hungry and wanted something to eat. In my haste to find happiness, i ignored him and ran off. I had to find happiness, what does a little boy know about helping me find my happiness.

So i thought and i thought. Where would happiness be found? I was thinking so much that i missed my prayers. oh!! well....wouldn't have found happiness there either, i thought.

EUREKA!! I suddenly shouted. People find happiness with work. So i got to a workplace. I was shivering with excitement, i was about to find happiness. The day wore on, and only made me feel bored, sad and frustrated. Where was Happiness? I'm supposed to find happiness in here, i thought. Finally tired and despondent, i just left.

It was evening by then, and my walk was slow and tired, like that of an old man. I hadn't found happiness at all. I was passing by this empty stretch of land, when i heard a voice call out. “Hey! You”. I turned. This was it...this was happiness. I strained my eyes in the growing darkness and called out, “Happiness is that you”. A shadow appeared and then grew into a man. Nopes! no happiness here, sir. My name's Williams. Can you spare a dime?, the hobo said.

I was ready to cry. I sank to the ground with despondancy. I was no closer than before to finding Happiness. The hobo wondering at my behavior, sat down with me. "Now 'ere Sir, sumthing the matter?", he said. "I'm trying to find Happiness", i shouted. "I have searched all over, and i can't find happiness at all". He was quiet for a second and then said, "Sir, pardon me fer asking, but where did you search for Happiness". I narrated the entire day to him. How i had searched for happiness in my home, at work, in the woods, other places and didn't find it.

He looked at me strangely for a second and then said, "You know what i think...i think you found happiness". "Huh!” i said. "No i didn't. If i had, i wouldn't be here, would i", I replied sarcastically. He looked at me, and i was surprised to find that he had clear blue eyes. He said, "You found happiness in your home when your family was together, you found happiness when you were alone, you found happiness when you were supposed to go and say your prayers, when you were to help that kid, or if you had loved the work. You just didn't look at it as happiness. You looked at these things like you usually do…you took them for granted, and lowered their values. You were busy trying to find happiness in all the wrong ways. Maybe you were trying to find happiness in materialistic things, or in some grand scheme that you think will make you happy. Maybe you were trying to find an idealistic place of happiness. Happiness only comes from within, don't you know that".

"Do you know what i think, you should do", he said suddenly and without waiting for an answer, he said, "Go home and tell your wife you love her, tell her you can't live without her, ask your kids how they are and what they did today, call up your parents and tell em, how much you missed em, and afters say your prayers and go find yourself"

He shuffled up and just went away after that. I got up, still stunned at the talk but i did what the hobo told me, and you know what.....i didn't find happiness still......happiness found me

Ecstasy

The feeling starts taking over me & slowly takes control. My body quivers in its wake. It's spreading throughout my body...it's making my body ache with the sensation. Every part of me is alive to the touch. Every part of me is sensitive. My eyes close in rapture and a small moan of guilty pleasure escapes my lips.

My body starts moving...slowly...moving.....to the beat of its own rhythm. I too move with the rhythm. I cannot stop.....moving..... no matter how much i try....so I give up trying. My ears...they have gotten sensitive....So sensitive....I can hear everything. I can even hear the drums beating in the wild African jungles and the drums...they're calling out to me....the beat...It's loud....It's fast. It's pulsating...it's pulsating through me....

The drums beat faster and my head thrusts back. My body cannot take the beat. It threatens me. It threatens to wash all over me. It wants to hear my screams, to thrash....against the rhythm, to try and ....make it stop...challenging me and it laughs at my inability to make it stop. I cannot make the beat stop....I gasp ... i want to scream but nothing comes out....and the pounding..... It's pounding on my body.....on & on........my mind is screaming stoppppp!!!..........let it stop......make it stop......yet the beat goes....faster......faster......my mind is whirling....the beat...there is only the beat....the beat...and then....the rhythm crashes....... i am lifted.......i fly..........i can't breathe...i can't breathe...i'm screaming...............

I Can't Be You

When i was three, i remember how much i wanted to be like you. I would ape everything you did. I would walk like you, try to look like you and do you remember the identical shirts we both got. I do. I still have that picture in my room.

When i was eight, i still wanted to be like you. I remember how much i loved you for spending time with me. You would teach me about things that matter, look out for me, help me with homework, stop my tears when they fell. There was no one else whose company i cherished as much as i did yours.

When i was in my teens, and struggling with my identity, you were still there for me, even though i know how much trouble i was. You would be there waiting for me when i would be late at night, and then i'd scream at you for not giving me my freedom. You would in your own way, let me learn the lessons that life offers and would be there for me, when i took on more than i could handle. You guided me, and I appreciated that, but i wanted more out of myself.

When i was a young adult, i found what i wanted to do in life. What you said mattered a lot to me, but i did not want to be like you, anymore. I had my own mind, wanted more out of life, than being just like you.

Now that i'm grown up and living my own life, i want to tell you, how much you mean to me still. That i still love the attention you give me, the things that you say to me. I love it when we spend time together arguing about the minutest things. But now i also know that there are certain things on which we can never agree on and no matter how much you want me to think like you on those things, i will be unable to because i am me and i don't know how to be anything else but me. I still want to be like you. The way you've been to me, someday i'd love to be like that to my son. Have him love me, as much as i love you. But now you have to realize, that you have to let go. I'm still your son, just not your little boy anymore.

I want to be like you, but i can't be you.

Commitment

Shattered pieces like broken glass,
of the heart that was yours,
lies in my chambers,
while the dewy drops of my pearls falling,
wets the haven where my soul lays,
crying to right the wrong done,
and unbind the chains that hold it down,
agony afflicting its essence,
for the part that belonged to it,
belongs there no more,
and in the hopeless confines of the night,
It bleeds in what it promised,
It laments in its commitment.