The Year In Review: 2004

Another year gone by, another revolution around the sun completed, another round in the wheel of life closes. The end of the year is always a good time for introspection. To contemplate upon the mistakes made, to dwell on things that we've learnt. It's a good time to give blessings for what we've gained and to move on from what we've lost. It's a time to look forward with hope towards a brighter future.

I have learnt a lot of things this year. I'm older, wiser, less of a child now & more of a man that i hope to be like someday. I have gone through pain, sorrows, pleasure & happiness and all forms of emotions that tells us that Yes! we're alive. This is my year in review.

The first thing i've learnt this year is that no matter what happens, God always has something better for you around the corner. That if He, in his infinite wisdom, takes something away, than rest assured he has better plans for you just waiting in the wings. I lost two of my best friends this year. Perhaps it was time they moved on to greener pastures. Their time with me was up. I had to be prepared for someone else. That person is now a part of my life. I have found somebody who promises to fulfill the gap that their departure entailed and give me more than i could have ever hoped for back.

This year, I have learnt to not take relationships for granted. It's so easy to ignore your family, your siblings when you're pursuing a dream of yours. Sometimes, you forget your old friends and take them for granted when you're out making new ones. Perhaps you've been one of those people who've forgotten your beloved and all they've done for you because now you've been craving more excitement, the thrill of the chase, etc. But know what, i have found that only you will get hurt in the end. I have learnt to nurture these relationships that i share with my family and my old friends. I have learnt that these people will be there for me when no one else will. That i can always double my pleasure or halve my sorrow when i'm with them. I have come to believe that there are very few greater pleasures that life offers than reminiscing about your past with someone who has shared it with you for a long time. No new person can ever provide that same level of comfort & trust and perhaps the only people who'll ever really be happy for you truly will be your family and those who love you.

This year i have stopped believing in coincidences. I have come to believe that life gives you whatever you want out of it. When you dream high and persist in your dream, you will make it in the end, because the universe will ensure that. You will find that people will appear out of no where in your path. Some will push you forward, others will teach you lessons that you will need in the future, while others will block you and thus make you stronger if you persist in breaking their hold. In the end you will achieve what you want. It's up to you however to see each situation as an opportunity or a roadblock. It's upto you to persist against the odds or lay down your arms in defeat. That is where the difference between success and failure lies. No where else. I have seen it happening. I have also seen that people have nothing better to do than to tell you that you won't succeed in whatever you dream of achieving. There will be very few who will be able to guide you and even fewer who will listen to you without making fun of you. Learn from these people and ignore the others. When you'll get to the top, it's the same people who once told you that you'll amount to nothing, who will now tell you how much they believed in you and how much they always believed..

This year i have found that living does not necessarily mean having a life. I have seen people living in apathy, day in and day out following the same monotonous routine they call 'living'. I have seen escapists who use their work to get away from it all, who call it company loyalty but in the end are just running away from themselves. These people don't have a life and they envy those who do. I have learnt to avoid such people, to stop myself from becoming like them or get suck into their vacuum of endless drivel. I have learnt that if i don't want to end up being like them, I should always be open to new thoughts & ideas, keep learning, to experiment in new and unique ways, change my environment often and never work in a field if I'm not passionate about it. You might get a very high income, but you'll never be true to yourself. I have also found that if you're passionate about what you do, success follows you. It's slow to come and sometimes you'll wish you were in another place or do what someone else is doing, but rest assured, it will come.

The year has also taught me the value of 'Self Respect' and 'Self Confidence'. That if i don't believe in myself, no one else will either and if i want to be respected, than i will have to act that way. Crying and whining like a child over every small thing, refusing to take responsibility for your actions, treating others with contempt, blaming others for your own mistakes or shortcomings are not traits that elicit respect. People only follow those who have clarity in their thoughts, who know what they want and how they want it and are willing to take the entire team with them on the journey. Also remember that you cannot be too friendly with those who serve you. Be nice to them. Treat them with respect. But remember, at the end of the day, you are their boss and they have to learn to see you that way.

I have also experienced humbleness and have tried to inculcate it into my persona. It's taking me time, but i someday hope to succeed. I have found that your actions speak far more louder than anything you can brag about. That people will always favor & respect those who keep a low profile. It shows a deep character inside. People who talk a lot about themselves are usually very shallow and if they have to harp a certain point again and again, than there's something that they maybe hiding or lacking.

I have learnt many more things this year. I have learnt that there is immense power in prayer, that when i'm tired and think that life is becoming too burdensome, i can tell all my problems to God and somehow they all just melt away. I have learnt the laughing can cure almost all ills, that a sense of humor is more essential than money, and most of all i've learnt that it's taking me a long time to become the person who i want to be but if God took seven days to create the world, what makes me think i can do a faster job.

2004 has been a very eventful year for all of us. Here's hoping that 2005 is better. Join me in my prayers for world peace and for blessings for all.

Here's wishing all of you friends a very merry X'Mas (slightly belated) and a Happy New 2005.

Meet

Are some people just meant to be in our lives, to play a part, even after we think we have lost them or have forgotten them. What is the role of accidental meetings, coincidental phone calls (the ones that go Hi!! oops, i'm sorry, i mistakenly dialed the wrong number...take cares), coincidental mass emails sent by mistake to an address which still lies in your address book which you've never been able to delete, because you just couldn't. Why is that these people keep coming in and going out of your lives. What is the Universe trying to tell us. That we should stay in touch. We should get back together. What?

I had a meeting like that. I had a meeting like that after 10 years with someone who had been my everything once. It was as if the Universe wanted to test the limits of my endurance, thus played that trick. Why does man think he can conquer the world, when he crumbles so easily in front of a single card being dealt.

She was on the arms of my best friend.

Now the reader would be saying "Grow up. It was 10 years ago" and i will tell my reader. "You are right, you are so right". 10 years is a long time to think that you're finally over someone. That you've moved on. That you're finally over those rush of heady emotions that landed you in trouble the first time. That you know you're more mature, more stable, know what you want out of life.

But you know what really defies your own reality. It's that email address you never deleted. It's that stuff toy that you got on your first date that somehow still lies in your room. It's those diary entries about her that still get read occasionally (of course you were just laughing at how stupid you've been. Nothing more). It's those pictures that you still have of her (you keep them still because they will teach you the meaning of a true relationship and make you a more learned person)....and when you saw her once in the crowd...you avoided making eye contact. That was only because you didn't want her to be hurt of course..or remember you...but then she's probably forgotten all about you TOO....What a tangled web we weave, when we first practice to deceive.

I saw him bring her over to me. At that moment perhaps i would have traded everything i owned to avoid that meeting....or perhaps to be the person on whose arms she was on. Our eyes met and except for a slight flicker of recognition, she didn't show any emotion at all. I too was calm on the surface, but underneath...it was as if at that moment a hundred volcanoes had decided to explode together and were spewing their hot lava everywhere. My friend introduced us. Not knowing that i already knew more about her than he could ever find out in a generation. There's something about finding a soulmate. You just know what the other person is. You never have to explain yourself or even tell another about you. You just know. I looked at her and she never had to tell me what she had done in all those years. I could feel her pain, her joys, her essence....I just knew...and i knew that she knew everything about me too. After sometime i just excused myself and left.

It's amazing the way some people are a part of your life. How they just happen to pop in at intervals decided by the Universe. It's ironic because it's the same universe that conspired to take those same people away from you, once. I don't know why though. I'm reading my diary right now and i've written "She's Perfect".

Duality

When you look at me, what do you really see? Do you see who i am, what i really am like inside, or do you see what everyone else sees? Do you listen to what your heart says or do you listen to the 'herd'? I'm not like what i tell the world i'm like. I'm not the strong person whom you might think i am. I'm no loner. What i wouldn't do to just sit with you and laugh the entire night away, like you manage to do so easily. Nothing is hard for you. Everything is hard for me. I'll never show that of course. I'll be the strong person whom you see, but you don't know how many times i've gone home & cried my heart out over things people have said to me. You might think that i may not affected, but i do. I'm human too. I care...i really can't help not caring....

Oh! what i wouldn't do for one day out of that mask. To really go into peals of laughter, to act like a kid gone to disneyland for the first time, to eat icecream, to not care....for just one day not care about anything at all and for that one day just be who i really am....the person who wants to be taken care of, who wants to be loved, who isn't what she wants to be and....yet... i can't. I can't because i'm afraid of getting hurt, of being thought weak and indecisive, or being taken for a ride like before. The things that made me become what i am...what i show to the world.

I'm living a dual life. I'm not what i seem to be, can't you see that....please tell me you can see that....for us...for me....please tell me you can see that.

Blinded

Perhaps my greatest mistake in life was liking you more than i should have. Maybe i should have treated you like i treated the 'others', with a slight disdain, a 'don't know, don't care' attitude, but i didn't. I liked you immediately. I think i started liking you from the moment you said hi. The way you said it, i knew we were going to go great together and i was so right. It was if i had found ME and i'm not kidding on that. What we would say, what we thought, even the attitude and outlook towards life and how we could even describe what the other was thinking, you were like a copy of me and i loved that. Who doesn't love their own self and i loved you like i did myself? Big mistake. My one characteristic had always been to run away from people who like me too much. Call it a fear of commitment, call it the love of freedom, call it what you will but it was there in me. I forgot that. I forgot that you were me and it was there in you too. I forgot that you too loved your freedom, your individuality, that you too couldn't be caged and i wanted to cage you. I wanted you to spend your life only with me. I hated it when i couldn't be with you. I hated it worse when i knew you were hanging out with someone else and I hated myself when i found out that you could remain without me, but i couldn't live without you in my life. So i started getting possessive. I started getting jealous. I started hurting you. Yes! i wanted to hurt you...i wanted you to hurt because i was hurting inside and i wanted you to feel the same pain. You couldn't see that of course. You could only feel yourself...feel your own pain . We both are selfish aren't we? I only think of me and what i want and you only think of you and what you want. Perhaps it was meant Not to be, with us. Perhaps it's for the best, but each day i still want to slice myself with the sharpest blade i have, just to lighten my pain a little....no pain can match what i go through.....why did you have to come into my life? Why did you have to be so damn! perfect for me and why couldn't you see? Please tell me...why couldn't you see......

The Promises You Make

I get so easily seduced by what you say to me. Those sweet words flowing like a melody from your lips entice me, make me want to believe every word that you say, make me want to believe everything. Those sweet promises that come to nothing still make me fall into your arms...make me long for your kisses... make me want you everytime you tell me what you will do for me. I do so want to believe in what you say. I really do want those sweet nothings to come true. I want what you want, i want to give you whatever you desire, i want you to be the one who owns me, who owns my heart, who owns my life. That is what i want and that's why i still believe in you...in us. But what do i do? Should i keep trusting you and perhaps get hurt at the end or should I lose my faith in you like i've lost in so many others. I don't want to do that. Not to you....Never to you. But what do i do? Do i believe in the promises you make or in the promises that you don't keep.