The Face In The Crowd

I am the silent spectator. The observer of the ongoing drama that unfolds everyday on these mean streets of life. Sitting on the kerb i have seen it all happen in front of my eyes, day in and day out, like an incessant rhythm that you wish would stop, like the poetry that you wish wasn't read aloud. I have seen them. I have seen them all. I have seen people with business and without business. I have seen the soul eaters, people who use their power to suck the passion out of others, and i have seen the soul providers. I have seen the love-lorn lovers and unfaithful beloveds. I have been witness to hate and anger and i have experienced the wrath of angst and fear. I have seen the apathetic and the lonely and i've crossed the paths of the healer and the faithful. I have seen samson and i have seen the lion.

It's strange this outpost of mine. I am nothing more than an onlooker, the bystander, an eternal witness to the murders that occur. I don't cause them. I don't do anything to stop them. I can just describe them to someone else. Nothing more than that. T'is a strange life that i have chosen or perhaps it has chosen me. I do not know which of it is the truth.

Yet the kerb offers many interesting sights for the eyes, for those who're willing to see. Look there..yes there..look at those 'people' as they drudge onwards on these lanes of life ...like pale zombies...on their everlasting quest for riches and glory. They are the living dead. People void of feelings and emotions. Nothing satiates them anymore. They have left their beloved ones far behind them as they have progressed from man to their current form. They weren't like this before, but they got too caught up in 'something bigger' like they used to say. Selfish motives governed them and now they will pay the price....they will slowly just wither away, perhaps unremembered, forgotten to all. Poor misguided fools they forgot about life's plans and went down a wrong path. Perhaps life's paths can be tricky sometimes to decipher or perhaps we choose to ignore them. I do not know.

Ah! look. Look there at the crossroads. Look at those onlookers. They've been standing there for eons. Look at them, they look so helpless you can almost pity them for not being able to make a decision. They're always questioning themselves that which road would lead them to their destination. These people don't realize that life isn't a destination, but a journey to be savored. You might be here today on these roads and tomorrow...who knows. Anything can happen. Sometimes it's best to just follow your heart's calling and choose a turning on the road. Perhaps it will get you where you want to be, perhaps it will not, but either way it will be a life full of adventure, instead of one where you will realize as you're about to fade away, that you should have made a decision years ago.

You know I have watched people tread these walkways for a years, yet still i am unsure as to where they lead to. I do not know if there's ever an end to these paths and you know what, they aren't straight either. There are twists and turns at intervals and many times the way forward is slippery, designed to trip those who are unprepared, and sometimes tripping even those even those who are. Some of these lanes will takes you back from where you came, and some of them are dead ends.

But see what i mean. It's amazing these lanes and alleys that make up life. You never know what might be around the corner. You can just trust in yourself and keep moving on. Sometimes you will grow, sometimes you will fall. Sometimes you'll weep and sometimes you'll laugh the loudest. But always you will be learning. You will meet so many people as you journey through these uneven roads. Some will walk beside you, some will ignore you. Some will hate you for no reason, others will hide their love and will wonder always if they should have shown it. Some will love you for who you are, others will love you for what you can be. You will face your worst nightmares and you will have a chance to possess your greatest dreams. I have seen it. I have seen it all.

It's a strange life that i'm living, yet it's one that i live gladly. I'm always there looking at you, observing you, watching you through willful eyes, learning your every move, studying your every look, your every touch, watching you pull and push your way through life. Oh! you want to know who am i? You have seen me. Oh! Yes you have. Don't act so surprised. I'm there alright. You just have to know how to look. Don't you know me? I'm me. I'm the face in the crowd.

Saying Goodbye

Click!...Whirrr!..Click!.....Whirrr!....the flash of the camera and the whirr of the film were my last memories as I said goodbye to them silently. They were lost in their own world...having fun, laughing, chatting together and I was lost in mine, contemplating my new life ahead. A life in which none of them had a part to play anymore. They didn't know that of course but that was only because I hadn't told them I was leaving.

"Hey, take my picture already, you bimbo. What are you waiting for? The cows to come home", said that familiar voice which I loved talking to...share everything with. "Not in the least bit madame. I was merely waiting for a lovely model for my camera. However since she’s not here and you’re here, I guess you’ll just have to suffice", I rejoined back, smiled and then took her picture. She was the person with whom I had spent the best part of my time there. She had been the person with whom I had shared every complaint & every happiness…just with her…learning about the world, my life, everything. But even she wasn’t aware of the fact that I was leaving. I didn't have the heart to tell her. I mean how can you say goodbye to someone whom you love more than yourself sometimes.

Picture taken, she came and stood by me. "Hey you're coming to the party tomorrow right", she inquired. "I'll save the best of me for you...if yes", she winked and grinned mischievously. Flirtation was a part and parcel of our friendship and neither of us took it seriously. "Of course I am", I lied and grinned back. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, unless some beautiful….OW!”, she didn’t let me finish the sentence and had punched me playfully. “I’ll see you tomorrow night, Mr. Wannabe Casanova”, she said as someone called her. She smiled at me and then moved on to talk to the person. I looked at her receding back and the thought that she would be disappointed tomorrow and that too on my account made me feel worse than anything.

"Hey Mr. Big Shot, what are you doing over there....the food's here, come and join me", he said. That was him. Always looking after the others. Always wanting the best for them. He was the person who had motivated & inspired me to develop into the person I wanted to be. He had always looked out for me from day one & when I would get myself into situations that were too much for me to handle, he was always there to guide and help. I was grateful to him for that. "No thanks....not too hungry today", I said. "Hmmm!!! don't diet too hard...you'll get thinner and then you'll actually get a girlfriend" he said jokingly and grinned....I grinned too...."Sir, if you don't watch out...you're going to lose all of yours" I retorted. He looked at me and then burst out laughing. It was hard to define what made us bond like we did, but it was there. It was definitely there.

Infact, everywhere I moved..."Hey"...."Join me"..."Come here", were the calls that accompanied me. I was a part of their group. They treated me like I was one of them, and in my heart I knew that I did. In that entire time that I had gotten to spend with them, never had I ever felt that I didn't belong and in all honestly this was the first time in my life that I had ever felt this way about anyone.

But I had to leave them. It was fated to be. That's why a proper goodbye would have been so tough, so hard to bear. How do you say goodbye to people who are not your family, but sometimes are far closer than an actual family could have ever been. It’s so hard to imagine that sometimes that a dysfunctional ‘family’ comprising of a group of people who were bunched together without their consent, can ever take place of a real family. Yet it was true in my case and perhaps for many others like me too. That's why I couldn't. That's why I just had to leave....leave them without looking back even once....because if I had....I would have broken down.

'Click'.....'Whirr'.......one last picture....of them...of me.....Us...together...one last memory......one last hug.....one last 'Goodbye, see you tomorrowwwwww'.....one last moment...before my tears fell